How to Get Through a Divorce [Episode 62]

How to Get Through a Divorce – Episode 62 of #WYFWTY Suzanne explains how she got through her divorce and made it “look” so easy, the BIG mistakes she made and the ONE thing she says you need to do if you have children. Plus – Shannon reveals the number one tool to getting your self-esteem back and how to date consciously after a divorce.

How To Get Through a Divorce – Episode 62 of WYFWTY

How to Get Through a Divorce – Episode 62 of #WYFWTY Suzanne explains how she got through her divorce and made it “look” so easy, the BIG mistakes she made and the ONE thing she says you need to do if you have children. Plus – Shannon reveals the number one tool to getting your self-esteem back and how to date consciously after a divorce.

Posted by What Your Friends Won't Tell You on Saturday, May 4, 2019

SUZANNE: We sent out a Survey and asked you guys want you want us to talk about and somebody wrote in and asked if I could talk about how I got through my divorce. Then someone else wanted us to talk about the best way to build back self esteem after a divorce. I think there’s two angels here.

SHANNON: About your divorce, tell them everything about it.

SUZANNE: Getting through it was… when you’re in it, you don’t realize how hard it is until you’re on the back end of it. People would say, “I was around Suzanne when she was going through her divorce and she made it look so effortless and how did she do that?” A lot of people say that kind of stuff to me about a lot of things in my life. I was on TV for 25 years. I’m really good at pretending like everything is perfect when it is not. It is one of my best and worst qualities. Even when I left CBS12, people said I made it look so easy. Going through my divorce was so hard. If you noticed when I was on the air I would wear glasses a lot. The reason I would wear glasses was because I would be crying my eyes out the night before, and I didn’t want the bags to show on camera. So no, it is not easy. I’m not gonna lie about it.

SHANNON: Here’s my favorite expression in the world as a therapist: frequency, duration, and intensity. I could say to Suzanne, when you did cry it was shorter, the duration was smaller, and the intensity wasn’t a 10, it was a five. Then it got to a two. Then it was a quiet tear down your face when you heard your wedding song. So frequency, duration, intensity, but you need to know it’s going to take time and it’s going to get better and you’re going to get through it, but it is a process. What I’m learning now as a mom is I’m fine with my divorce. I’m ecstatically remarried. However, my children are in their 20’s and I can still see the fallout. In some ways I can see it clearer now than ever and I can see the impact it had on me. When they’re little they cry a little, but now I can see the impact and it’s a bit staggering. Not that I could have done it any differently. I don’t regret what I did, but the thing is divorce packs a punch. You need to know there’s going to be an impact on your kids. There’s going to be an impact on you. It’s going to take a long time to get through it and it’s a process and the only way, in my opinion, to get through it is right through the center.

SUZANNE: Yeah, don’t try to jump over it or around it or, you know, go off to the side and distract. Feel it.

SHANNON: I love that you cried every day when you needed to cry every day because that’s healthy and if you stop it and drink it away, or eat it away or sleep with someone else that away right, then you won’t get through it, and you need to get through it so that you can have the freedom.

SUZANNE: I made a lot of mistakes. I did a lot of things wrong. I did a lot of things wrong. Looking back it was like, “okay that probably wasn’t the smartest thing.” But I will tell you the one thing that I did do, right, one thing both did right and we made a decision that we were not going to fight about stupid crap because we were putting the kids first. The kids were the most important thing. We understood no matter what happened we’re going to have a relationship probably for the rest of our lives.

SHANNON: It gets harder as they get older. I didn’t see that one coming.

SUZANNE: So if there’s any advice I can give you is to do everything in your power to swallow your ego, swallow your pride and not go into it thinking “I am right.” At the end of the day, you want to have an okay relationship with the father or the mother of your children. So that was the most important thing to both of us.

SHANNON: Absolutely. I think that the kids are better as it as a result. I kind of have my own scientific study in my own home in the sense that my husband has an ex wife and two children, I have an ex husband and two children, his ex wife is remarried, my ex husband is remarried.
My husband’s ex wife and him are kind of, you know, they’ve always stayed family.
They’ve just stayed close. The day I met them, they gave each other kisses on the cheek, and Hello, and good bye. Sometimes we even say I love you. They just stayed close.
It has been so much better for their children. They don’t have to ever worry about parties or awkwardness or whatever. Whereas I’ve struggled. We’ve had more difficulty and that has definitely translated as far more pain for my children. So if you can get along, that’s going to be the best for the children. If you can get along with the ex, like my husband’s ex-wife, whom I adore, I call her a sister. People sometimes are like, “that’s weird. That’s crazy.” No, it’s wonderful. I’ll tell you, I think she’s always has my back and I always have her back and the kids see that. They benefit from that and that feels good to them. If you can build relationships like that, please do. When I share that with some of my clients, I’ve had clients think it’s strange. But, at the end of the day, it’s really a blessing. It’s turned out to be a blessing.

SUZANNE: I mean, you just want to show respect. These are the people that are going to be in your kid’s life. You want to show respect for the people that are going to be in their life.

SHANNON: I think that’s what it’s all about. That person is going to love your kids. I mean, even my ex husband’s wife loves my kids. This is the person who your kids are going to be around. So if you can love them, and they can love your kids, this is going to be the best case scenario, right for everybody.

SUZANNE: The other thing that someone mentioned was how to build self esteem after a divorce.

SHANNON: I think probably the person that maybe is asking this question was blindsided. When you’re blindsided or you had maybe no idea that this was coming. I think that is harder for self esteem.

SUZANNE: Mine was more just sadness and grief, trying to navigate the process and going to the agreement and getting the agreement how we wanted it and how do we split the children. So that was more of my thing. I didn’t really have a self esteem issue. But had friends that were blindsided. I mean, they had had very low self esteem after their divorce.

SHANNON: I think that the two things that come up one, obviously, you highlighted so well for everybody, it’s going to be a grieving process and tremendous sadness, more sadness than you can ever imagine. Because you’re now grieving the family, you’re now grieving holidays, the kids birthdays that used to be together. So there is a pile of grief. So I don’t care if you’re over them, you still can’t even imagine the sadness coming down the pike. That’s what you experienced, even though you were clear you needed to go. For me, I was hit by a truck in the self-esteem department. What’s been so helpful and what I use to try and help some of my clients is when somebody doesn’t love your anymore, or when somebody is not attracted to you anymore, or when somebody changes their mind on wanting you, that so often doesn’t have a lot to do with you. There’s so many moving pieces here. I guess the answer is get at therapist because what you will have to look at is to look at the parts of yourself that are true.
I’m an only child of a single mom, who had addiction issues, and then got sober and we were extremely close. Her and I against the world. Then I got married and was still like, “Can I bring my mom?” When I met Brian, I remember it was like the first holiday and I was like, “Okay, so we’re going to my mom’s” and my husband was like “Wait a minute. I have a family too. Don’t you think we should discuss what we’re doing? You and I and our four children, right? What is our family doing? What does our family want to do? And then we’ll let your mom know” It was hard for my mom. It was a big adjustment because she was used to having me, but that was something that was really, really important. So getting a therapist allows you to look at the parts that was maybe problematic and you realize I do want to heal this so that in my next relationship, I can get healthy. Some of the other pieces is that when two people get married, they will marry the person who triggers the crap out of them. So you will marry the embodiment of your positive traits of your mom and your dad. Then after the honeymoon and all the fluffy stuff is over, you’re now left with the part of your mom or dad that you hate and they’re triggering you and you’re triggering them. So when you go through a divorce to be able to work with a therapist and be able to go “I tended to be like his mother who he was really angry at and had resentment towards his entire life. So that trigger was too much for him.” That doesn’t mean that I’m not worthy of love. That doesn’t mean that I’m never going to marry again, because I’m a horrible person. That doesn’t mean I need to be thrown by the wayside, but understand that dynamic and say, you know what he needs to be with somebody who doesn’t get triggered. Or I need to be with somebody who doesn’t get triggered. People do move on and happily remarried without those issues, but working on why we are drawn to people who trigger us and that we trigger so that we can have some healing in that department.

SUZANNE: I went to through therapy before I got divorced, on my own. Then I went through some therapy with him after we decided I was leaving, but at that point it was probably too late. Then I went through two years of therapy after my divorce. You need to go to a therapist if you’re going through a divorce because there’s a lot of shit. And that’s something you want to look at because you don’t want to jump back into another relationship with the same mistakes. So I guess my question for you is what is a good amount of time to start dating? How do you know when you’re healthy again?

SHANNON: So the original answer from a few minutes ago was you do want to do the therapy because I’ve never met anybody who I’ve been able to talk out of doing whatever the hell it is they want to do. But guess what, if they’re in my office on the Saturday or the Monday after their Saturday night date, at least we can talk about red flags, we can talk about patterns, we can talk about what they went through in their marriage, it doesn’t this look the exact same, and they’re not going to necessarily stop dating that guy, but they can identify and do it differently. So how you know that you’re healthy enough, you date and you see those patterns and become different. You’re not picking the same guy. I didn’t pick a narcissist. I didn’t pick an alcoholic this time. This is fantastic, right? So you recognize that and that’s why the therapy is so important. If you can go through it conscious date consciously, go to your therapist and say “Hey, here’s who I dated this week.” But usually the first one isn’t the right one. It’s called the pendulum swing. So if I divorce a engineer who’s very peaceful, but very logical, and then I go out with a band guy who’s like crying as he’s singing a country song— I’m probably not really attracted to that guy because if I was with an engineer to begin with, I like something about that. So you’re probably not going to pick the perfect guy right out of the box. So just give it some time.

SUZANNE: Alright, go like us on YouTube, subscribe to our YouTube channel. Go listen to our podcast. Sign up for our mailing list at WYFWTY.com

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